Friday, August 26, 2011

Romancing the SHIT Outta Yous. (Now with Housewife Porn! WAIT, IS THAT THE DOORBELL?)

Hello there, you’re CLEARLY in the wrong place! 

So in the past couple of weeks, I have suddenly gotten on Twitter, started a blog and started reading other peoples’ blogs. Superfun, right?  The blog especially, because the world obviously needs even MORE blogs about poop and dicks. Anyway, the thing is, the time this requires… this time was once taken up by other activities in my life. What activities, you may wonder? Some possibilities...

Charity work: Dirty, sweaty garbage

Charity work: dirty POOR PEOPLES!
Yes, poor person, you are allowed to kiss me now. You're welcome.
(seriously now, LOOK at her body language!! Whatta bitch!)
Charity case: Dirty in a different way. 
Dirty, dirty, dirty. Hello, soldier.

If you guessed “charity work”, well, just HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Now, doing lots of really difficult, sweaty work for no money DOES sound like a rush. And SOMEBODY needs to get LiLo to the methadone clinic and to her naked banjo lessons. But my free time was actually being used… to read romance novels.

No, really. I KNOW.  So sue me.  But the good news is, I didn’t read the squirrelly-ass dipshit ones with the heaving bosoms and such… I read HOUSEWIFE PORN. This is stuff so dirty, they have to make the book covers RED because the content is EN FUEGO. Observe:

Goes down easy, indeed!

Now, sometimes the dialogue is sexy and titillating and most EXCELLENT. Like:

Suddenly, she was back against the concrete wall, his hands pushing up the skirt of her dress to her waist then hitching one of her knees over his hip. Both of his hands dropped to her backside, lifting her higher, until the broad tip of his rigid shaft found her entrance, teasing her with the promise of filling her completely."
(excerpt from "Not Another Blind Date..." by Janelle Denison, Jo Leigh and Leslie Kelly. YER WELCOME)

But sometimes it is groaningly (not in a good way) bad, like:

Like a match rasping across the phosphorus strip, he felt an explosive heat, sharp, bright and hot. Hell, he felt like a star shooting across the sky above them."
(you don't really need to know who wrote this corny shit, amiright?)

Do I need that kinda embellishment in my housewife porn? No, no I do not. 

I like to read the REALLY bad dialogue out loud to my husband. Sometimes I’m all, *SIGH* “She just said  'I'd like one, as well’ in the dialog. Like ANYBODY talks like that. Especially when they are tied to a tree.” Or like this one, which was written from a man’s perspective: 

“…and I busted another nut.” . 

I AM NOT KIDDING. That is actual dialog. Not only did he “bust a nut” ya know, the first one… sooooo sexy, right?  But immediately busting ANOTHER one… wow. Just wow.  To that one, my husband replied, “That would never happen. I just want you to know, that could never happen.” He doesn’t really ever get judgy about how bad this crap is though, because he knows that the GOOD trashy romance novels help to preheat the oven he’s hoping to get flambéed in later.

There was another one where a woman is being stalked and she’s going to her car in the parking garage. She gets SHOT in the upper arm.  A handsome cop is trying to help her, he throws himself on top of her to protect her while he’s waving his gun around. No, his actual gun. As he’s lying on top of her, he shifts a couple of times and SHE HAS AN ORGASM.  On the greasy parking garage floor, just after having been shot.  Did I mention, she was JUST SHOT. Yeah, I know I repeated that but it bears repeating because COME ON, NOW, PEOPLE.

Listen here, you. I could have champagne, roses, chocolate covered strawberries, soft music, a bubble bath, sensual fragrant body oils rubbed into me, masterful foreplay and creative intercourse and right in the middle, if I accidentally get a picture in my mind at random for a NANOSECOND and thereby think, “Why in the hell are rhinos that awful rhino-color?”, then I’ve just undone 20+ minutes of very careful orgasm-set-up by my very patient husband. Then I have to yell “DO OVER” or “SHIT! The fucking rhinos AGAIN!” and start from scratch. So adding a GUNSHOT WOUND into the mix?? Nuh-uh. Sorry, not buying it.

Now, I realize they are not writing true-life stuff, it's SUPPOSED to be fantasy, I get that. That's why the characters are always young and juicy, not dried up ole husks like the readers. Cuz nobody wants to read:

"She was slumped in her recliner, writing her blog, burping and picking her nose occasionally and digging at a prickly chin hair. She tried grasping it between her thumbnail and middle fingernail, but couldn't get a good grip. Unfortunately, she was far too lazy to get up and go get tweezers. He saw her from across the room. He was overcome with lust for obvious reasons. He came up behind her and started caressing her neck. She said, 'What the hell are you doing, are you HIGH? Get OFF me!' and swatted his jackass hand away. He said, 'My darling, I MUST have you.' She said, 'I have dishes to do, a crappy dinner to make and more dishes to do.' He said, 'But... I've been manscaping...', to which she responded, 'Fuck off. I have shit to do -- your stupid socks aren't going to wash themselves.' So he slunk off to the basement to look at porn."

Quick aside: I have only just noticed that Microsoft Word does not flag swear words, as long as you spell them correctly. Even “motherfucker” and “cocksucker”! WTG, Microsoft!  May want to add the following though, as you have clearly left some out: “turd” (self-explanatory); “twatty”( as in, “Priscilla was acting rather twatty today.”) and assjacking cockslapper (self-explanatory).

Now then. I have read about 1,000 of these shitty awesome books at this point, I am what you might call a connoisseur of smut. In fact, I used to have a mutherf’ing SUBSCRIPTION to the Harlequin Blaze line of books. Ya know why I canceled it? BECAUSE WALMART WOULD HAVE THE BOOKS ON THE SHELF SEVERAL DAYS EARLIER THAN I WOULD RECEIVE THE BOOKS IN THE MAIL. That’s right, I could. Not. Wait. It would PISS MY SHIT RIGHT OFF to have to walk past the row of shiny new smut, knowing my books had not arrived yet. "Maybe tomorrow..." I'd say to myself, encouragingly. 

BUT… now I’m totally not really reading that shit anymore. Except when I’m stuck on the toilet with a log jam (also known as “battleshits”, which is a word that is ALSO not recognized by Microsoft Word *sigh*) or taking some quality time in there with a real bowl-winder, cuz that’s the perfect time to read some SHIT.  


According to, some fun activities to pass the time while you are pooping in a public bathroom:

>Listen to other people poop and laugh quietly
>Laugh at the sounds your own ass is making
>Pay bills

Now, that’s some advice I can get behind! Oh! Hahahaha, see what I did there?!?

...................BACK TO REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING.....................

So anyhoo, all the Tweeting, writing and blog-reading could potentially cut into the time spent twatting, wanking and banging. On the plus side, most of the people I follow on Twitter have dirty minds, but on the minus side, they are usually not being sexy about it. Plus how much arousal can be generated by a 140 character one-liner??

I know that for men, it’s easy. If you’re a guy, somebody says “bewbs” in a tweet and before you know it, you’re paddling the trout with abandon. But it’s generally not that easy for most women. I can only speak from my own experience but for me, masturbation often goes like this: “Oh, yeah, mmm, self, you are smokin’ hot. Yeah, just like that. IS THAT THE DOORBELL? Ok, no, yeah, ooooh… GOD THOSE BIRDS ARE ANNOYING! Wait, GOD! DON’T THINK ABOUT GOD!  Ok,OOHHH, yeah, mmmm, like that… HOW MUCH TIME UNTIL THE SCHOOL BUS GETS HERE AND DROPS OFF THE CHILD?? CHILD! DON’T THINK ABOUT THE CHILD! YUCK!! AHHHH!! Ok… here we go, back on track…oooh, mmmm, BETTER HURRY UP…” get the picture. *sigh*

For your reading pleasure, fun names for masturbation:

>Squeeze the cheese
>Shake hands with the unemployed
>Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko

Now, get to work slapping the ham, girls! But first, you might want to get some earplugs! And a lobotomy. 

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