Monday, August 15, 2011

So, Yeah, Hello Kitty is a SLUT...

You will appreciate this post more when I tell you that I have removed all most references to some recent gynecological mishaps. I know, BUMMER. But I decided my relationship with you was too young, too fragile, to blow your mind test it like that. It was rather funny, my friend... but it was also pretty gross. Maybe after we spend more time together... perhaps then, I will tell you the story of my procedure in which they crammed a scimitar through my cervix to take samples of my ladybits kitty trouble. What you are missing:

>References to potential sodomy including "plowing the back forty", "baloney colonic" and "christen the yak"

>References to birth control including "double-bag the piss weasel"

>Many disgusting metaphors for menstruation (men-stroo-ey-shuhn) including "red tide in clam harbor"

>An unmentionable incident where I reference this scene from "The Shining":




Um, yeah, so you may have to get me drunk first. You will want massive drugs a cocktail, as well.

SMOOOOOOOTH SEGUE...

Speaking of kitties, my daughter read me a book last night: ”Hello Kitty Through the Seasons:  Photographs and Haiku”



If you notice, this is a book entirely composed of HAIKU ABOUT HELLO KITTY. Not kidding:



Clearly, my mother-in-law purchased this book, because I would NEVER have spent my hard-earned cash on such utter dogshit . Catshit. Whatever. Each page has Hello Kitty in a different slutty costume with a clumsy haiku relating to the scene.  Endure:


Here she is, whoring around at the beach!


Here she is with some random guy, thinking about
getting his dick into her mouth


… waiting to take it up the ass…

Can the cumtart EVER keep her legs together???

Not the first log she’s straddled, amiright? 
Bet she STICKS.


This is an actual haiku from this assload disappointment of a book (I SWEAR! You can't even make UP shit like this):

In the dappled grove,
A capricious tree sparrow,
I fly back and forth.


Try reading THAT to your small child with A STRAIGHT FACE.  Apparently, between turning tricks, Hello Kitty spent some pretty major time with a thesaurus.

At this point, I told my daughter, “This is the lamest book, like, EVER,” and that we should make up our own haikus for each page only make them funny. She didn’t want to do this: “Mom, let’s just get through it once, okay?”, so I made one up for YOU fine people to enjoy:

Hey, Hello Kitty?
Your Haikus are fucking lame…
Thank you, that is all.

So, wasn't that better? 

5 comments:

  1. You haiku is sooo much better. Honestly, who is in charge of marketing to children? What perverts.

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  2. What a cum dupmster. Seriously. That little whore is all over the backpacks and t-shirts of slutty tweens nationwide. Don't read it to your daughter. ANYMORE.

    In other news, "double bag the piss weasel" is nice.

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  3. I know, girls -- the state of children's publishing is just disgraceful! What are these people thinking? Such dirty minds.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ok, let's see how this bitch rolls.

    *I have no idea what that means. I just think it sounds kick-ass.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm going to get that book for my dad for Christmas. I'm kidding. Probably.

    ReplyDelete