Sunday, August 7, 2011

Accept De Feet! (No poop! No dicks! No cow sex! We're making progress! Oh, wait, there are gross feet.)

Feet.  I know, some people think they are gross.  But come on, not ALL feet are gross.  Surely we can all agree that these are some pretty feet:

And I don’t think there is any doubt that these are NOT pretty feet:

So, there are definitely varying degrees of attractiveness when it comes to feet.  Which doesn’t help YOU much because I’m still going to tell you about my sexy, sexy bunions.  Hey, wait, you, GET BACK HERE!!!!!!

Sexy bunions may be hereditary.  Or not.  It’s when the bone at the base of your big toe sticks out.  My grandma had them.  Her mom had them worse… Granny Franny ripped out the side of every pair of her  shoes, even in winter, to give her bunions room inside her shoes.  So hers were ULTRA sexy. 

I’ve had them since I was a kid, but they have gradually gotten a little larger over the years.  I have slender feet, and I always thought they were quite pretty, as feet go.  Two years ago, I discovered I was wrong about that.  I was at the pool with my sister...  
Lalalalalala, here I am, relaxing with my pretty, pretty feet.

My sister, Mother F’ing Theresa, looked over and said (direct quote), “OH MY GOD! WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR FEEEEET???!!!!”

Foot-Modeling dreams... SHATTERED.

So... I no longer thought my feet were pretty. :(

As a side note, while looking for pictures of feet for this post, I stumbled on this gem of a sentence:

"Sexy Mistress Lesbian foot worship"

Questions do come to mind: 1) Why are "sexy", "mistress" and "lesbian" all capitalized? Is that someone's name? 2) How long until my mother-in-law stumbles upon my google-search-history? Because you KNOW that's going to happen now. 3) Are people fucking nuts? 4) Are foot-loving lesbians generally lipstick lesbians or more the flannel shirt kind? It doesn't really seem like a "girly" hobby. Not trying to be judgy here, just curious.

So anyway, hideously freakish, malformed feet can be A-OK… but then I started having more and more trouble finding comfortable shoes.  It got to the point where the only shoes I could wear were flip flops (HELLO cloven hooves! Nice to see YOU today!!) or athletic shoes.  So I saw a podiatrist.

You know how you give your peeflaps an extra scouring before you see the gynecologist? No? Well, GROSS, you should.  By that same token, I wanted my terrifyingly deformed feet to be the NICEST terrifyingly deformed feet the doctor got his peter-pullers on that day.  I soaked and buffed, shellacked the talons, took a belt sander to the calluses, scrubbed and lotioned.  I bought new socks so they would sparkle with purity and whiteness.  I left work early and went home before my appointment to re-wash my feet and put on my shiny new socks.  It occurs to me after re-reading this that I might consider looking into therapy.

Anyhoodle, it turns out I am a good candidate for bunion surgery.  This is rather depressing, as I am only 44 years old.  I may as well just go ahead and sign up for early menopause, grow some hi-huns and break the occasional hip. The surgery isn’t urgent, but will probably be necessary, some time soonish to laterish.  Here’s what they do:
Surgery prep

Using a medieval axe, the surgeon lops off your big toe. Or something like that.  He sews it back on straight, securing the shattered bones with 2” arsenic-treated lag bolts.
He then takes an iron felling axe, or “splitting maul” and HACKS OFF the bony protuberance on the side of the foot.  The giant, dismembered bone chunk can then be fashioned into earrings, or possibly a brooch. 

The victim patient is in a cast for a month, plus another 2+ weeks of a walking cast after that.  The main drawbacks of this surgery for me are 1) It’s not free and I have shitty health insurance and no money, and 2) I have impressionable children so I can’t draw dicks all over my cast.

It occurs to me I could RAISE money for the surgery.  Hows about for every reader who sends me $ 5.00, I will send you an autographed picture of my left bunion (cuz that’s the best one).  For $ 10.00 I will send photos of both bunions.  For $ 20.00, I will send both pictures, plus I will run up and down the stairs in my house for 20 minutes, then mail you the socks I wore.  Jesus, why didn’t I think of this before – EVERYBODY WINS!!!


  1. Ok, THIS was fucking hilarious. I lol'd through the whole thing, and that's hard to get me to do. Well played, Shirley. Well played indeed.

    p.s. LOVE the drawings!

  2. THANK YOU, Yvonne! You are obviously a sick person and that's why I like you.

  3. True story... I used to manage the office for 3 foot doctors. And I have seen those hairy feet up there!