Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Enough about the poop, let's talk about dicks!

Enough about the poop, let’s talk about dicks!
Just kidding. That’s what we call a “hook” to lure you into reading an article. Hope you liked it because actually I will be discussing meat shrink wrapping equipment. Not kidding. You got hosed, bro.

I started this blog because I enjoy reading other people’s blogs and I also remembered that there are silly thoughts in my head that want to get out. Don’t worry, they aren’t like those thoughts you have when a maniacal inner voice is gleefully suggesting you do horrible, horrible things.  Cuz I’ve uh, heard about stuff like that.   

No, no worries, there will be no violence and no blood on my blog. There will be poop, however, oh yes there will be poop.  And sometimes there will be dicks.  But not poop AND dicks at the same time because, HEY, it’s not your birthday.  There will also be much copyright infringement, apparently.  But, if it’s on google, it’s free, right?  And God wouldn’t have invented the program “Snag-It” if I wasn’t supposed to steal use any picture I want from anywhere I want, right?  THANK YOU.  Duh. 

If I could actually get some minions followers, I would consider it the greatest writing success I’ve ever had.  Lemme 'splain. I was once an advertising copywriter, first for radio (FUN! But absolutely CRAP money! But random strangers/fans would send the on-air staff anonymous baked goods and other food! And since they weren’t stupid enough to eat it, the office staff would! Hardly anybody ever died from that!)… then I was a copywriter for an industrial advertising firm. I had to write stimulating copy for bullshit products like this:

And this:

My boss would tell me to “punch up the copy”. I’d say, “Could you be more specific?” (meekly though,  because she was a real bitch). She’d explain, “Make it more punchy.”  Oh, yes, thank you, very helpful.  So I spent my days in fear of her whilst trying to make meat packaging equipment copy more punchy.

The day my disillusionment with writing-for-a-living became complete was this:  We had a client in the business of meat shrink-wrapping.  As a joke, I suggested a drawing of the earth as seen from space, only the earth is shrink-wrapped in clear plastic, over which in arched type was the slogan, “Shrink Wrapping a World of Products”.  Get it? Woooorrrrldddd???  Groan-worthy, right?  The client went apeshit over it and paid the agency big bucks for this “image” ad. It was the greatest success of my copywriting career. I got nothing for it but the pride of knowing the greatest thing I ever did there was the corniest piece of shit in the history of the wooooorrrld.  

Oh, now we're back to poop. How DOES that happen??


  1. Corn. eyed. buttsnakes.

    *confused face*

  2. What the hell is Steamme doing following your blog already??? Damn, you work fast girl!

  3. You didn't think to send her nude photos, did you. Amateur move, girl, amateur move.