The Story of Lake Storey

So we drove to Galesburg, IL yesterday to visit beautiful Lake Storey. They have a campground, athletic fields, fishing and boat rentals. They also have a sandy swimming beach with many lovely features. The best feature is that entrance to the beach is free.

The beach is indeed made of sand and includes, at no extra charge, a series of moguls to navigate on your way to the water. The moguls, in a feat of creative recycling, are made entirely out of goose poop. Mounds of sun-roasted goose turds. What I’m telling you is, this beach is a giant comfort station for geese.

A fun part of our day was watching the patrons weaving their way to the water on tiptoe to avoid the goose doodles. Goose skittles? You know, the goose version of volcanic whoopsies. Granted, you do expect a little lawn sausage near a lake, but you’d think they would rake the BEACH, wouldn’t you?

The grizzled patrons were another exciting feature of this beach. Every swimmer I had the pleasure to overhear dropped the letter “g” from every gerund, as in, “we wuz drinkin’ some beers”; “I’z jes fixin’ to git by all the sh*t on the beach”, etc. Statistically, there were more tattoos than teeth in that there lake.

I am totally not making this up when I tell you there was a very pregnant lady, in a bikini, who had tattoo writing on the back of her upper thighs. The writing was upside down. So you can only read the tattoos when she is on her back and her legs are… oh never mind. This bovine enchantress… it was poetry when she complained (in front of her preschooler) that she had forgotten her “f*cking sandals”, the water was “too g*dd*amn dirty” and, shocker, “there’s too much sh*t in the sand”. This is not a place the beautiful people hang out, if you get what I’m saying.

As an aside, did you know that if you google “pregnant hillbilly”, you will find a picture of Jamie Lynn Spears on the very first page. You will also find a photo of these fellas…

… who don’t seem pregnant at all. Come on, google, get it together.

Though we will not be returning, I would generously like to offer some alternate names for this attraction, as “Lake Storey” doesn’t really tell the story. Several ideas include, “Poop Storey”, “Lake Poop”, “Hillbilly Soup”; “Waterfowl Tirlet”, or possibly “Lake Lavatory: Don’t Worry, That’s Just Latin for ‘Tirlet’”.