Sunday, December 11, 2011

Santa’s Enforcer: The Elf on the Shelf

Now available, from Extortion Merchandise Inc… Elf on the Shelf! This is the latest horrifying commercialization of Christmas -- a product you have to buy for your child or suffer the consequences, because all their friends have one. And if all your child’s friends DO have one, you will look like a big fat asshole for depriving your child of the opportunity to have a creepy stalker on-premises to spy on your child and report their every move back to the big boss at the North Pole. Don’t know how to parent? Can’t possibly control your kids without a miniature Chucky doll to keep them in line? Elf on the Shelf!

What kind of asshole merchandises such an awful product? A FUCKING MILLIONAIRE, that’s what kind. In my town, this dumbass product has spread like mouth herpes at a frathouse party. In case you aren’t lucky enough to have been subject to this merry extortion, let me explain.

According to their website, Elf on the Shelf is “A Christmas Tradition is the very special tool that helps Santa know who to put on the Naughty and Nice list.” Firstly, nice fucking grammar, idiots. Secondly, the truth is, Elf on the Shelf is a hideously ugly little gremlin fucker that comes with a self-serving, spooky-ass story book. The book explains that the elf is your own personal stalker, who spies on your every move all day and flies to the North Pole to narc on you to Santa at night. When he returns and breaks into your house every morning, he is always in a different place. Is it just me or does that not sound like the plot of every homicidal doll  movie? You turn around and the Chucky doll or ventriloquist dummy or carnivorous clown is leering at you from a new location in your house.
The actual "Elf on the Shelf"
He OBVIOUSLY wants to kill you, amiright?
Or maybe he's just constipated.

Another homicidal doll, obvious similarities

Remember this one? From the old "Twilight Zone" TV show?
"I'm Talky Tina and I'm going to KILL YOU!"
Totally looks like Elf on the Shelf's sister

As a side note, if you Google "Chucky", you may find this disturbing image. 
By "disturbing", I mean "hilarious":


Creepy, right? I already own a Furby, which is spooky as shit, can’t I just have him stand guard on my daughter’s room and terrify her into behaving? Or wouldn’t a canine shock collar be more immediate? Or I could just try PARENTING, hmmmm... that's just crazy enough to work. 

"You vill behave if you vant zee presents!!!!"

Here’s the funny part. At some point, all your kids friends will have them, they cost $30 each, but the kids think all they have to do is “make three wishes” and they get one. They don’t even know it’s a product for sale in stores at a bullshit price. What happens when your little angel sees this pricey mutant freak "on the shelf" at Target?? Hmmmm????

Between Santa and the Tooth Fairy, I feel like I tell my child enough bald-face lies throughout the year.  Speaking of the Tooth Fairy, this monster is like the Tooth Fairy EVERY NIGHT FOR A MONTH. You have to move the little assload around EVERY NIGHT or your children will think the elf and Santa FORGOT ABOUT HIM/HER because they are AWFUL CHILDREN. Glad you don’t have enough to do, parents.

Isn't Christmas supposed to be about CHRIST? And isn't religious GUILT enough of a motivator for kids to behave? I mean, anybody ever heard of a little ole place called THE FIERY PITS OF HELL?? Hello? You don't need an overpriced elf for this. If your child is misbehaving, can't you just show them a crucifix with Christ nailed to it and say, "Jesus is crying 'cause you're not really trying..."??? Or if your kid is REALLY naughty, you could up the ante a little: "Jesus is dead because of YOUUUUUUU!!!!" 

Since the creator of this bullshit product is probably swimming in a drifting pool of finely powdered cocaine every night, he/she might want to think about how to continue to support the lifestyle they have undoubtedly become accustomed to. In the spirit of the chia pet, in which the creators “spun off” several different versions of the same lame piece of crap, the inventor of the Elf on the Shelf may want to consider several other hot money-makers:

Demon on Your Dresser
Demon on Your Dresser! If you take more than five minutes to select an outfit, the
Demon on Your Dresser will report you to Satan and you'll be dragged to the
fiery pits of Hell! Making mornings super fun!

Gargoyle in the Garage
Gargoyle in the Garage! Have problems with your kid dawdling on the way to the car? Not anymore!
Any children who don't hop-to will be shredded by the gargoyle's razor-sharp talons! Makes a lovely gift!

Chupacabra on the Candelabra

Bad table manners are a thing of the past! Just place the Chupacabra on the Candelabra 
on your dining table! This fun addition to meal times motivates kids to place their napkins 
on their laps and keep their elbows off the table for fear of having their eyeballs impaled 
by the chupacabra's dagger-like fangs! If your kids don't eat their peas, they know their 
helpful friend Chupie will feast on their innards later, picking their entrails clean!  

Supergay Unicorn Man
Super Gay Unicorn Man! Okay, he's not that scary. But if you don't do your homework 
he might pack your hindquarters with 14 inches of pastel torment. 
Nothing like a little supernatural sodomy to motivate the kiddies!

So, thanks to the pansy-ass parents in my daughter's school who wouldn't resist the trend, I had to sit my nine-year old down tonight and explain to her that I wasn't going to allow the three wishes of doom, that having a stalker elf in the house was "Way creepy and gross" and furthermore, "That sounds like something only for really awful, naughty kids and you're a GOOD kid, you don't want some stalker elf spying on YOU, you're already getting great presents." Oh, and I added some junk about Jesus being the reason for the season just for insurance. 

Hey, go read my friend Yvonne's take on the little bastard:


  1. I thought this post was so funny i had to share it on my Facebook Wall. I had no idea what the else was so I decided to google it readd I stumbled upon your post before finding the actual site. After reading about it I share your opinion on these crazy creatures. I think I might get 1. And explore the depravity, and distorted reality of the elf and their secret life. I could come up with 365 ideas. But I wouldn't want my friends children to find out. After all they have young soft and impressionable minds. Knowing did the elf urinate in public or traffic drugs, or set bags full of poop on fire?, that might ruin them. I definitely don't have kids...

  2. You bitch about grammar and yet say "Firstly". You and your article suck. Idiot.