Friday, December 30, 2011

Bow Down Before Me (if that's okay with you...)

I have had a really crap couple of months. I got layed off.  My dad was in the hospital. Then my brother was in the hospital. My stress level was through the roof. Then my daughter got injured during school sports and was in the hospital for days and now needs round-the-clock care for the next several weeks, plus weeks or months of physical therapy. Then as of two days ago, I now have a throbbing abscessed tooth and can’t find an endodontist that can fit me in for a superfun root canal before THE MIDDLE OF GODDAMN JANUARY.

And the funny thing is, I am not a child molester. No wait, there’s a correlation here, just wait for it. I’m a good person. I pay my taxes, I never lie, cheat or steal. When the bank screws up and gives me an extra $20 at the drive-thru, I send it right back in the tube. Some random bank computer program then later sees the error on the receipt and realizes they sent too much through the drive-thru tube and deducts $20 from my checking account. I then have to call and beg and plead, describe the teller, explain the whole thing and swear on a stack of bibles, etc. To get back the money they took to get back the money I never got but gave back. 

So you see, sometimes “doing the right thing” is a big fat pain in the ass, and yet I do it, every time. I don’t gossip, even when the WHORES at our neighborhood Bunko game night gossip their big fat gossipy asses off. Shut up, that doesn’t count as gossip because I didn’t use any names. BUT YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, VERA AND MELANIE*

*pseudonyms so that Val and Mary don’t know I’m talking about THEM. Because I don’t want them to know I called them

So what I’m getting at here is that if Karma really worked and if life was actually fair, I wouldn’t be having such a crap month. My crap month would be bestowed upon some grisly child molester. I, instead, would be receiving packages of cash in the mail, I would be shitting diamonds, I would be winning major awards.

I know! I'm a super great draw-er!
With an exceedingly tiny head, apparently!

WAIT!!! Maybe the universe is listening, because LOOKIE WHAT I WON!!!

Yep, makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it?

Yvonne over at attractedtoshinythings gave me this prestigious award and not just because I said she was the foxiest, funniest, most awesomest supermodel on earth. But she is, so go over there right after you’re done here. I hear she’s trading blowjobs for bacon this week, so you might want to stock up on your cured pork products.

Anyhoodle, this award allows me (the OVERLORD, YO!) to change any three things that I want to, IN THE WHOLE WORLD! Here they are, in no particular order:

#1  Actual, Functional, Instant Karma

      I do believe that good things, by and large, come to good people. But more as an overall thing, over the course of your lifetime. Meaning, if you are a good person, bad things may still happen to you, but not as much as they do to crappy people, and overall your life will be better if you are a good person. 
      BUT how frickin nifty would it be if it was instantaneous? I have seen it a couple times, where a kid will say something shitty to my kid and right away fall off a swing or something else awesome… it’s such a marvelously satisfying feeling! But I want it to happen MORE. Maybe the world would be a better place if people were truly really rewarded for being nice and good, and punished for being assholes (right away, because like dogs, if there is a delay in the punishment, they may not GET it, because ASSHOLE-TYPE PEOPLE TEND TO BE QUITE STUPID!!). 

      Picture it. Your health insurance company’s customer service rep is being a complete dick to you on the phone, and then you hear him drop the business end of his stapler on his scrotum *ka-hrunk* -- wouldn’t that just be splendid? Or some bitch at Bunko is talking about how they don’t like any of the new people and names your name specifically and they suddenly sprout a BIG FAT GIANT DIMPLY COTTAGE-CHEESE MOTHERFUCKING RHINO-SIZED LARD ASS and wiry chin hairs and deep facial wrinkles (I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU, VAL! VERA! Oops! By the looks of Vera’s ass, Mother Nature already beat Karma to it!! Hahahahahaha!!!) Ahem. Anyway…


      #Shirley Better Weather Would be Nice

I live in Central Illinois. The weather BLOWS much of the time. By that I mean it sucks ass. If I had a nickel for every time I have said, “Why do we LIVE here!!??” in relation to enduring horrible weather, I’d have about 9 million nickels. And then I could go ahead and move somewhere else.

Dude, our winters are longggg. I mean, depending on El Nino or La Nina (the Spanish demigods of weather, apparently), we are potentially talking October through May, people. I am a sun person. I love the sun. I love laying out, searing my flesh like a slow roasted piece of savory meat. I know all about skin cancer and do not care. I love, love, lovelove the sun. I would move to Florida tomorrow if not for all the Floridians. So the second thing I would change would be my local weather. Look, I get that snow is pretty and kids love to play in it. FINE. Let there be some snow, just for a short period. But not too damn cold!!! And the change in seasons is rather nice. Makes you appreciate summer all the more. So here is my change in the weather, hope you like it:


December 20 – January 10
31 degrees for the entire time period, with snow on the ground, but still sunny. This way everybody gets their fill of “winter” and a white Christmas and all that happy horseshit.   

Then instant beautiful spring for two months. Then summer (but not ungodly hot) for seven months. Then fall/autumn for two months.

No sub-zero temperatures in January. No 100-degree days in July. None of this four-months-without-seeing-the-sun BULLSHIT.  

#3   I Want Supreme Magical Power over Slot Machines

I know this sounds odd. I mean, I could just wish for a whole bunch of money. Or to win the lottery or something. But it would be SO MUCH FUN to be able to control slot machines, using them as both entertainment and as my own personal ATM. Plus it would be fun to feel like a WINNER any time I wanted to. I could also bestow winnings upon whomever I wanted, so it would give me the thrill of making other losers’ dreams come true. I could travel all over the world on my winnings, stopping at any nearby casino to “win” more money. And being that I’m a good person, I’d actually pay taxes on my winnings, so TAKE THAT, Karma.

I was actually at a casino two nights ago and could have really used this power, especially considering I lost $15.00. My parents are old and the local riverboat casino is their only form of entertainment. So instead of eating out, going to movies, bars, shows, etc., they go sit at the one-armed bandits and drink Coors Light on tap (only two though, because let’s not get crazy here). I met them at the casino the other night because I’ve been nursing my injured 12 year old and my husband thought if I had a night out I’d suddenly get unexplainably horny be less stressed. Have you ever tried to find ONE SPECIFIC old person in a riverboat casino? It’s hard. But gambling can be exciting, if you are winning, or at least not losing more than you would spend on a night out elsewhere. The most exciting part of this particular night was when I reached down between the slot machines and grabbed my drink and knocked it back and the ice hit my teeth and I thought, “Ice? I was drinking Coors Light.”

So those are the three changes I will make as OVERLORD. Hope you like them, minions! If not, then I won’t take you with me to the casino.

Now it is my duty to bestow this award to others. I select the following based on their raw sexiness:

The Jules at The Gravel Farm
Vinny C at As Vinny C's It
Gia at Mayor Gia
Mommy at Mommy Rotten


  1. Dude! What happened to all your comments? Ok, this was an awesome post and I LOVED IT!!!

  2. I loved this post. This is the first one of yours I have read. I found you because you passed this award on to someone else that I already read.

    You mentioned you live in Central IL. I live in Southern IL, but just moved from Moweaqua (near Decatur). The difference in wind is astounding. I think it is all the flat ground up there.