Wednesday, August 8, 2012

So, January is Stupid So Far (now that it's August)

YES I KNOW IT'S AUGUST. This is my new post. I wrote it in January. 

You might assume I have been just PaRtYiNg it up, spending lotto winnings between January and now. You might be an asshole. More likely, you're like me, just another plodding, somewhat defeated numbskull trying to get through the day, hoping that the gastrointestinal gods bless you with a fresh batch of sphincter waffles in the morning and that nothing more challenging than that occurs for the rest of the entire fucking day.

So... January is stupid so far (work with me here)...

January in Central Illinois. Capture the magic. I have spent a lot of time with one of my kids lately due to her extended illness, which is real superfun. Since we are together ALL THE FUCKING TIME, I have decided to forego decorum, forget the tender ears that are present and just be myself. HAHAHAHAHA!! Sucks for you, kid! I have now stopped NOT saying my favorite thing I say when it’s cold, because HEY, it’s cold and I deserve some joy in life. 

See, I like to say, “I’m freezing my BALLS off!” and then whomever I am with (sister, child, patrolman) will say, “You don’t HAVE balls.” And I will act panicked and say, “OH MY GOD IT’S TOO LATE.” This works every time. And by “works” I mean I get to hear the sound of crickets and be the recipient of a lot of eye-rolling.

There was a segue here relating to making observations but...


* protracted period of abject shittiness

So right there I came up with an AMAZING, ORIGINAL observation that people drive like complete dumbasses. But I didn't mean just the cell phone talkers, the texters and text-readers. Mostly I meant FUCKING OLD PEOPLE. Well, just plain old people, I don’t imagine they get much fucking in. Just complaining about their psoriasis, driving badly and breaking the occasional hip.

I apparently thought I had invented a new word, “gerimandering” which was supposed to describe the geriatric meandering style of superbad driving. The term makes perfect sense but it sounded too familiar so I looked it up and apparently it already exists and means something political:

“In the process of setting electoral districts, gerrymandering is a practice that attempts to establish a political advantage by...” Blah blahblahblahhhhhhhh SO BORRRRRRINGGGGGG

So that scewed that but then I noticed it ALSO says,

"Jerrymander" redirects here. Jerrymander may also refer to the arachnid known as Solifugae.” 

Arachnid. Like spider. HUH. Okay, so I then looked THAT up and then this is the part where I proceeded to





Like we need to look at THIS shit

"Solifugae are an order of Arachnida, known as camel spiders, wind scorpions and sun spiders or solifuges, comprising more than 1,000 describedspecies in about 153 genera. They may grow to a length of 300 mm (12 in) including legs"

Camel Spiders. As in the size of a goddamn camel. 


It was all cute when I thought Gerimandering meant this:

"Whats up, bitches!"

But "JERRYMANDER", meaning THIS:

Seriously, look at the fangs


Speaking of NOT COOL: 
Dude. No woman will fuck you, EVER. Carry on. 

And now you can kinda see why I stopped writing this blog for seven months. You try to make a crass, insulting joke about old people like any good person would and it turns into a freak show about terrifying things found in nature.* Very discouraging. But hey, I won't wait so long to post this time because I recently discovered that I have a fantastic talent for always whacking male flight attendants in the dick with either my elbow or my face, so I'm going to ruminate on that for a bit, try to cheer up** and then tell you all about it! 

*but not Kardashians. This time.